Julian Patterson's satirical column chronicles the absurdity of life in the NHS. It is sent to Daily Insight subscribers on Friday afternoon.
The perfect Christmas gifts for NHS managers
Stuck for original gift ideas? Running out of time due to last-minute reporting commitments? There’s something for everyone in this list of festive shopping recommendations, compiled by Julian Patterson
Centre warns NHS of deadly new threat to service
The government and NHS England have told integrated care systems to get a grip on the challenges presented by cold weather and to stop looking to the centre for answers, reports Julian Patterson
NHS England slims down
NHS England has listened to Lord Darzi’s proposal to slim down the centre and is going on a hiring spree to make it happen, reports Julian Patterson
Longstay's trail of destruction finally comes to an end
The world of management is rocked to its foundations as the NHS’s greatest and most prolific leader, Sir Trevor Longstay, announces his decision to retire. Julian Patterson has the distressing details
Management consultants offer NHS 'remarkable value for money', concludes report
A new report debunks the myth that management consultants are a waste of money, writes Julian Patterson
Blithering wins the X factor
The opportunities for virtue signalling on social media are never greater than when you decide to leave. After a wobbly start, Blithering comms supremo Martin Plackard finally gets up to speed. Julian Patterson has the details
Outsourcing with compassion
NHS Blithering Foundation Trust has drawn up a proposal to outsource its estates services. Head of procurement Marge Carver and director of operations Phil Buggins are presenting the business case to the ICB. Meeting notes by Julian Patterson
Shop assistant appointed trust CEO and other 'alternative' news stories
Imagine what the news might have been like. Now you don’t have to, writes Julian Patterson
Exclusive: 10-year NHS plan revealed
Fixing the NHS is surprisingly simple, as the forthcoming government plan will make clear. The only mystery is why it took us so long to find the solution, writes Julian Patterson
Revealed: how quantum physics wrecked NHS funding
Public spending has been cancelled as Rachel Reeves develops an unhealthy obsession with Jeremy Hunt’s hole. Full story from Julian Patterson
Blithering anticipates a new 10 year plan
As Wes Streeting’s team get to work on the new 10-year plan, Julian Patterson casts a nostalgic eye over the great plans of the recent past.
Prepare to clear your desks
Before he takes up an important political assignment, Julian Patterson offers a shamelessly unbalanced view of the outcome of the general election and what it will mean for HSJ readers
Oh baby!
The NHS England chief executive took a large case of cliches to Manchester. ‘Did you pack this yourself?’ asks Julian Patterson
The Groundhog Expo
It’s time to “activate your awareness funnel” as this year’s Blithering Expo is here. Once again the event provides an opportunity to share learnings, hear about great examples of innovation and network with peers. Most importantly, it’s a chance to get out of the office for a couple of days. ...
Crack teams to get spin backlog under control
As election fever intensifies, the Labour leadership has set out a clear and detailed plan to save the NHS, writes Julian Patterson
A tribute to chair’s towering modesty
Blithering ICB chief executive Joy Hunter shares extracts from her diary – a privileged glimpse into the busy life of one of the NHS’s top leaders, as told to Julian Patterson
Taking time to stop thinking about problems
Why is Sir Trevor Longstay keen to hold an all-day planning meeting? Why is he going out of his way to flatter the regional director? And will the ICB ever finish its stakeholder map? Julian Patterson has the answers
Making liars of us all
As the pledges of the new hospitals programme inevitably unravel, Julian Patterson wonders who will have the last laugh
Blithering shafted
New CFO Simon Shaft delivers a financial bombshell - the NHS Blithering deficit appears to have been wiped out. Has Sir Trevor Longstay made a terrible mistake? Julian Patterson reports
‘You Turn’ service to continue, vow NHS chiefs
Martin Plackard, chief strategy officer at NHS Blithering, has made an important correction after a plan to extend health services for practitioners was initially misunderstood. Julian Patterson has the details
Rating the CQC
In a week of turbulent regulatory news, no one can be bothered to rate the CQC and system inspections prove elusive. Julian Patterson pretends to care.
A plan for all seasons
In a letter to staff at NHS Blithering ICB, Sir Trevor Longstay gives a warm welcome to NHS England’s timely planning guidance, which promises to make planning more comprehensive and productive than ever. As dictated to Julian Patterson
Victoria Atkins: comedy genius
In a rare mea culpa, Julian Patterson acknowledges that he was wrong to make fun of the health and social care secretary. She is more than capable of managing without him
Victoria Atkins’ diary: My big speech
The secretary of state for health and the other thing gives a major speech and narrowly avoids a man in a car park. Julian Patterson reports
Are you a competent NHS leader? Take this test to find out
Who better to judge the ability of leaders than leaders themselves? Julian Patterson test drives the Blithering leadership and competency framework
Integration: the answer to everything
Martin Plackard, NHS Blithering’s director of communications and head of system fruition, has published a comprehensive guide to integrated care. ‘It tells you all you need to know – and more,’ he told Julian Patterson
A positive lack of clarity
Technical problems prevented livestreaming of the latest meeting of the Blithering Integrated Care Board. Fortunately, Julian Patterson was there to capture highlights of the proceedings
We must ‘hire before we fire’ declares ICB
Integrated care boards have been told to cut costs, but these things don’t do themselves. Taking a leaf out of the NHS England playbook, NHS Blithering explains that it is committed to taking on the additional resource needed to drive its rationalisation. By Julian Patterson
Patient heal thyself: an affordable online guide from the NHS
As government policy makes self-care inevitable, Dr David Rummage has teamed up with fellow online professionals to bring you the best health advice the internet has to offer. By HSJ clickbait correspondent Julian Patterson
Are you an improvement warrior?
Are you letting ‘work’ get in the way of meaningful improvement? Bev Heaver shares her tips for aspiring values-based leaders and chief storytellers
One minute to midnight in the ICB boardroom
With NHS Blithering ICB under imminent threat of attack by NHS England, Sir Trevor Longstay could go off at any moment. In a rare display of unity, the executive team works together to defuse the situation. Julian Patterson reports from the scene
Going beyond the achievable
It’s no coincidence that as A&E targets have got softer, performance has got worse. NHS England has a foolproof plan to turn things round, writes Julian Patterson
The 'two minute' NHSE director and other stories from 2024
It’s that time when all newspapers fill space with new year predictions. Not to be outdone, Julian Patterson imagines the headlines you can look forward to in the next 12 months