Summer brings so many health risks that Monitor hardly dares get out of bed these days. What with public health and photo-opportunities minister Tessa Jowell's brave crusade against deadly cheeses, and chief medical officer Sir Kenneth Calman's wholly unexpected warning that 'consumers cooking burgers and similar minced meat products should follow the manufacturer's instructions', it's a jungle out there. But top marks to the fearless Daily Express hack who phoned Manchester health authority to seek urgent public health advice. Professional holidaymaker and TV star Judith Chalmers (left) had revealed that she frequently wore no knickers, thus saving vital space in her suitcase. What were the health implications, asked the hack. Hmm. Where are Tessa and Ken when you really need them?

Back with the food scares, apparently community health councils boss Lord Harris of Pie in the Sky remains plain old Toby until he puts on the robes and swears his oath of allegiance to the crown. But the not yet noble lord has convinced the powers that be of his claim on the title Lord Harris of Haringey. Though garter king at arms and his heraldic mates are loath to let anyone hog an entire borough, Big Toby could cite precedent - there is already a Lord McIntosh of Haringey. But what if he should object, they dithered. No problem, he replied, swiftly producing a letter to that effect from the very peer in question. Which only leaves the question of a coat of arms. Steak and kidney pie, wing'd and recusant, surmounted by chips and mushy peas and emblazoned on a field of azure, maybe?

Good to see that enterprise flourishes in the higher echelons of the Institute of Health Services Management. Independent sector chair Howard Lyons has managed what almost everyone bar Microsoft supremo Bill Gates believes to be impossible: he has launched a profitable business on the Internet. For a mere 1,000 a time (or less), Howard can provide 'original hand-painted copies' of famous artworks (he's on www.lyons.co.uk, if you're interested). But what would a kindly well-wisher donate for the walls of the IHSM boardroom? The Last Supper? The Raft of the Medusa?

Meanwhile, a new career beckons for Denis Cobell, formerly a senior nurse at Guy's Hospital - and now chaplain to the mayor of Lewisham. Nothing surprising there... except that Mr Cobell is a self-professed atheist. Not that his is the first unusual choice for such a post. Monitor recalls the appointment some years ago of a witch to the chaplaincy rota of one Cornish hospital.

Finally, Monitor has heard some excuses for long waiting lists, but that offered by consultant radiologist Ronald Mackay for problems on the Scottish island of Stornoway is a true original. His plane from Inverness keeps getting delayed, so he doesn't have time to see everyone. Do flying doctors get merit awards?