“I could tell that a good cup of tea would save the situation.”

To: Don Wise

From: Paul Servant

CC: Gee

Re: Real life drama

Dear Don,

There was huge anticipation in my humble household last night as we settled down to watch the new fly on the wall NHS documentary, 7½ Hours in a CCG. All the drama, excitement and tragedy. Snappy editing, jerky camera work and pacey music as the production team try to keep up with the frenetic pace of the clinical commissioning group.

‘Next week, a misspelt name causes catastrophe among the reserved parking spaces. I can’t wait’

In the opening moments we meet the CCG chair. “I’m more than an item of office furniture,” he thinks he jokes. Dr Bonaparte is rushing to head off a fast emerging crisis. “We need hot water, fast” he calls to his team. His 35 years on the frontline have taught him to spot the early symptoms of trouble and intervene rapidly. “I took the temperature of the meeting the moment I walked in and could tell that a good cup of tea would save the situation,” he said reassuringly.

Dr Bonaparte goes on to talk with pride about his new role and the CCG. “I’m here to redress the balance and make hospitals understand they’re not in charge anymore. The NHS needs to hold them to account. They won’t be able to pull the wool over our eyes when we make them explain things very slowly,” he says menacingly.

The scene now switches to an unfolding crisis on the first floor as a team of experts crowd around trying everything they know to save the situation. Junior staff pass through specialist kit to their seniors, but as the minutes fly by the situation seems terminal. “More toner!” yells a voice, but after 11 minutes, the guy in charge says: “OK, we’ve done all we can, thank you everybody. best send this one down to the engineers.” Power to the photocopier is turned off for the last time.

It’s 4.45pm and this emotional episode finishes. Next week, a misspelt name causes catastrophe among the reserved parking spaces. I can’t wait.